Beyond Gender Conference · Florida · 2024
Breakout session presented by Alex Bender

How do we keep a conversation open when someone feels judged, challenged, or misunderstood?

In this breakout session, I explored the psychological barriers that can make advocacy difficult—and ways to build connection when defensiveness gets in the way. We examined the relationships between advocates, the people they advocate for, and those with the power to influence an outcome.

A central theme was the “Why Trap.” Questions about why someone acted, thought, or felt a certain way can carry an implicit judgment. Even without a conscious accusation, the listener may feel pushed to justify themselves, withdraw, or defend their position.

The session explored alternative questions that help us understand someone’s experience, alongside communication practices drawn from Imago Dialogue.

Topics covered

• Recognizing defensive responses, including denial, projection, rationalization, and withdrawal.
• Asking questions about experience, information, and actions to develop shared understanding.
• Using active listening and validation to help people feel heard.
• Expressing your perspective without placing blame.
• Finding shared interests and values as a foundation for advocacy.

Presentation resources

Download the PowerPoint to revisit the advocacy model, the “Why Trap,” and strategies for building common ground.

Continue exploring

My other breakout session at this conference, Connecting Through Differences: A Guide to Better Communication, examined how perspective and personal bias shape the conversations we have.

As you revisit these materials, consider: What happens when someone feels they have to defend themselves? What could you ask that would help you understand their experience?